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PREFACE
First off, let me say that I live in the United States. In my country, you are allowed to believe what you want. No one's going to arrest you if you believe that aliens are living under the Denver Airport.
Similarly, no one's going to arrest you if you believe the Mister Softee theme contains a
secret message from The Leader of The Illuminati that can only be heard when you play it backwards. (Okay, I just made that up. OR PERHAPS NOT!)
If you live in a major city in the USA, you're used to getting
But sometimes, like after you've had a long day at work -- or perhaps a tiresome evening at the mall looking for the Perfect Summer Sandal -- you're just not in the mood.
My BFF, Suzanne -- Orlando Bloom's Number One Fan -- told me her secret for blowing off annoying Jesus Freaks who harass her on the street. When they shove Jesus literature in her face and exclaim, "Believe in Jesus!!!" she replies, "I believe in Orlando." No one's challenged her.
But that's Suzanne. I'm more, uh, in your face. When a god-squader did the same to me on the subway, recently, I took Suzanne's idea a little further. Okay, A LOT further. I preached right back. About Orlando Bloom. Oh, by the way, I am NOT an Orlando Bloom fan. Though perhaps after this incident, I SHOULD be. ;-)
So, with that in mind, check your beliefs at the door and read on...
It was about 9:30 pm, on a Wednesday evening. I was coming home on the subway from a shopping excursion to the newly-expanded Queens Center Mall in Elmhurst, Queens. (I bought a pair of sandals.)
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I was just sitting there on the mostly-empty train -- minding my own business -- when a young woman entered the car. She was about 35, thin, no makeup, plainly dressed and carrying pamphlets and a bible.
As soon as I saw the pamphlets I knew she was not Just Another Woman. I knew she was a Jesus Freak. A god-squader. A PERSON WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO SPREAD THE WORD OF JESUS CHRIST TO OTHERS. She handed several people in the car a pamphlet and said, "Jesus loves you." |
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And then she handed me a pamphlet. Or should I say TRIED to hand me a pamphlet. I shook my hand and said, "I believe in Orlando."
Now, it should've ended right there. She should've just continued walking on to the next person. But not Sister Sarah from the "Save-A-Subway-Soul Mission". (Yes, Guys and Dolls is my favorite musical.) |
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Instead of following the fold and moving on, Sister Sarah stopped cold in her tracks, looked me in the eye and said, "Who???"
"Orlando. Orlando Bloom. He's a actor. He was in Lord of the Rings, and he's currently starring in Kingdom of Heaven. It's a historical movie about religion. About the fight between Christians and Muslims in Jerusalem during the 12th Century. Have you seen it?" She gave me a blank stare. "Well, he's my cult hero. I love him." I said. |
 ORLANDO BLOOM |
| "He's the head of a cult??!!", she said, shockingly. |
 ORLANDO BLOOM IS GOD Photo retouch: L. Fredericks |
"No no no. Cult HERO. HERO. H-E-R-O. Anyway, I believe in him. He's a great actor and he's going to win an Oscar one day. I worship him."
After I said this, I noticed the other people in the subway car started to look our way. (Heh.) "You must only worship Jesus. Believe in Jesus!!!" she exclaimed. "You believe in Jesus. I believe in Orlando. This is a free country. Believe in who you want. What difference does it make?" |
| "Jesus is the only one. BELIEVE IN JESUS! Do you read the Good Book?" |
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"Yes. I read good books. In fact, I'm reading a Very Good Book RIGHT NOW.
It's called, Orlando Bloom: The Biography.
I noticed some of the people in the subway car were laughing. "In fact, it's not just a GOOD book -- it's a GREAT book. Orlando Bloom is my god," I added. "There is only one God. Believe in Jesus," she said. "I told you, I believe in Orlando," I countered. |
 THE GOOD BOOK |
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At this point, she looked at me in exasperation, dramatically put her hand to her heart, sighed and said, "You make me cry."
Not missing a beat, I went into my handbag, pulled out a Kleenex purse pack and said, "Tissue?" "I'm not crying tears you can see. I'm crying on the inside." (Busted.) I snickered and winked at the people in the subway car. ;-) "Jesus loves you. He'll show you the way," she continued. "But Orlando shows me the way! In fact, he's showing me the way RIGHT NOW! Guess what? This is my stop!" I looked straight up -- as if Looking To Heaven (heh) -- and said, "Thank you, Orlando." I quickly rose from my seat to get off the train, but as I exited the car I turned to Sister Sarah, gave her a sweet coy smile and said, "Orlando loves you." (Jesus Freaks and other god-squaders can click here to send me hate mail.) |
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